Tina’s current depressive thoughts

After the passing holidays and the new year starting, I have many racing thoughts. To start, I have my momma Zita on my mind. Always. Zita was my momma’s best friend. She came into our lives at the worst time, when my father was at his end of his life, where he finally succumbed to his drug/alcohol addiction and his suicidal attempts and took his own life. Zita helped my mother, my younger brother and I through the worst time in our lives. She was our rock. About four years ago, she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. My mother took zita to almost all her appointments and treatments. She would visit her every day. Zita was the best woman we could ever ask for to bless our lives. Her last year, her health deteriorated quickly. We hoped she would hold on longer, just passed November 14, 2017, a week before her birthday. Life has been a struggle for me personally without her. I can’t let her go. She is still the wallpaper on my phone so I see her happy smile every time I get on my phone. I can’t delete her number. I can’t let her go.

As a result of a sexual assault against myself and my brothers daughter, my life, I lost my sister because of what her husband did. Not a day goes by I don’t think about her, or her babies, Jacob and Austin. Both who have disabilities, who I cared for for 12 hours a day before they were a year old. And I’ve missed the last 5 years of their lives.

I’ve lost two people who I held so dearly to me, and I’m not sure how to cope. One is my momma Zita, whom I looked up to and wanted to be so much like. So full of life and carefree. Loved her family and friends more than herself. And my sister. The best wife and mother I had ever seen. The best role model I thought, until she abandoned our family when we needed her most after her husband committed an unthinkable act against myself and my niece, my older brothers daughter.

How does one come to terms with losses such as this? How does one go on? I love and miss them dearly.

To my sister, I hope to reconnect soon. To momma Zita, shall we meet again one day, and I know you’re watching over me. I love you both.

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Tina’s New Year!

Happy New Year all! 2018 will for sure, for once, be my year. It’s already started off very tough, even just 9 hours and 40 minutes in. I still dislike my job, but I’m making the best of it. Working overnight in a fast food restaurant on New Years Eve was very tough. But I bought a Four Loko to drink, came home and ordered breakfast for delivery for Justin and I. Having the day off, hopefully I can get some sleep and then enjoy the rest of my day and first day of 2018.

In 2018, I want to cut my drinking down to only my nights off, continue to not smoke Djarum Blacks and get back into college classes. I’ve had a good start before today, but I need to keep it up. I also want to find a better, more stable job. I love my job, but not the lifestyle. I want to start a family, and be able to spend more time with Justin and our fur babies, Hulk and Jessi.

Jessi also has heartworms. Pretty severe we and her vet think. I love my Jessi. I adopted her a year ago on December 22nd. I want to start her on her treatment and get her better.

I have many plans for myself and my little family. 2018 is not only my year, but the year for my family. Stay tuned for the progress!

I couldn’t cope

I’m at the point where I don’t want to be at my place of work, at all. It’s slowly breaking me down, and pushing me over the edge, and pushing me towards my breaking point/anxiety attack. I did something I never thought I would, and told a fellow manager I was getting close to walking out, and left work about an hour and a half early, without doing my truck order for my store.

I’m not proud of myself, but my disorder took over. I’ve been searching for a new job to get away from food service, and something that will allow me to spend more decent time at home to work on my relationship, family and my future. But nothing has surfaced yet.

Which is why I’ve turned to this blog. A place to vent, unload, tell my story, my struggles, and hopefully find comfort and companionship on my journey.

So far, my blogs seem to be sad, depressing, and I apologize. But that’s me during the holidays. I’m learning to work through it. I hope you all learn the same.

A Normal day for Tina

Hello all.

So as I said before, my life isn’t all that interesting.  But I thought maybe starting a blog would help me find a healthy way to vent, and help others also struggling with the same issues and problems as I am day to day.  My life is pretty much one big roller coaster ride that feels as if it will never end.

A little insight into my daily life:  I struggle with battling bipolar depression and severe anxiety disorder.  I also consider myself to be an alcoholic.  I have sought professional help for all disorders, but can’t seem to break the cycle.  I have been on many different medications, but took the chance of getting off my last one of Paxil, for the simple reason that I drank too much one night and overdosed on it, causing my boyfriend to have to rush me to the emergency room during Hurricane Harvey.  This was my first hospital visit for overdose, but my second for my alcoholism/alcohol poisoning.  While I don’t drink nearly as much or as often, I still seem to struggle daily with staying away from alcohol completely.

Most days for me are normal, but I battle constantly to live a normal, healthy lifestyle.  I love my job and what I do, but I have such a wonky schedule that’s so uncertain it elevates my anxiety like no other.  I rarely have time to spend with my two dogs, who are my little babies, and the love of my life, Justin.  Which causes again in turn for my anxiety to overwhelm me and take over my life.

I am currently trying to better my life day by day though.  First off, by saving money to get back into college.  It’s a slow process, but it started with applying and being accepted into Brazosport college in Lake Jackson, Texas.  By attending classes, I hope to soon earn my degree to become a child/adolescent counselor for those who have experienced sexual assault/abuse, as well as alcohol/drug dependency.  For I struggle with these experiences as well, but certain aspects of this come for another story.

For now I will end on, welcome to my life.  I hope you all enjoy my story, learn from it, lean on me for advice or an ear for listening.  There’s always more to come.

–Tina

Tina’s Christmas

I want to start by saying I haven’t blogged in almost 10 years. With that said, I’m using this site to share my life, my ups and downs, and my family. Christmas 2017 was by far my best Christmas in years. Justin and I, my best friend and life partner, exchanged the best gifts for each other we both loved. Unfortunately, we had to spend the actual day apart because I went to see my family. But it was a great time. Justin and I are currently working through issues in our relationship, and I’m very hopeful for us. So welcome to the life of Tina, my fur babies Hulk and Jessi, and the love of my life, Justin. My life may not be very interesting, but I want to share it with you all. I hope you enjoy!